slow down

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Or would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment? One moment, that you've always wanted back."

(one tree hill)

something to count on

in order to find out the what it is to be true, we must find out why people lie. a lie can be spoken for protection, or for sheer desire to hurt someone. someone close, or someone you hardly know at all. that lie can reach inside and twist you till every last bit of  you is wrapped in a coat of false information. or it can gently float past you, acting as a form of breathing device allowing you to be happier then you ever imagined. but we have to understand that lies don't get us anywhere. if anything they dig us deeper into a hole of confusion, and desperation. they take us to places that shouldn't have been visited and keep us lost there 'till we realize that we should have believed in the truth. you see telling the truth isn't easy. nothing that pure ever is. but we have to believe it. believe in it with every bone in your body, because no matter what the truth is; bitter or sweet. it is fact, and it will be there forever, haunting you, making sure you know it's always there.  

thank you, thank you, thank you.

say you will

Don't ever question the impact that you've had on me. I've kept every word you've said to me safe, and close to my heart, grasping it as if they're the only words that matter. 

Don't ever second guess the importance you have in my life. You mean so much to me and I could never stand for you to ever be doubting that. 

Don't ever, not even for one minute, consider that you've been replaced. Nothing, and no one could ever come in and replace what we have or what we've shared. 

In this very moment I cannot think of someone I'd rather have in my life to influence me like you do. don't compare yourself to anyone else because;

it's about time

gaining you was like a blind person seeing for the first time. everything in that one moment was clear. all my concerns, worries, and deep distress was quickly replaced with the feeling of deep present joy. i knew then that i would love you forever. but then watching you fall away from me, watching you fall in love with someone else, watching you slip, was like a gun shot. the bullet hit me without warning and destroyed everything. it killed me. i wanted to be picked up by you, held by you, loved by you once more. i knew you felt the same way though your stubbornness got in the way. who was she? i thought i needed to know but it was obvious that it wasn't important. just someone there to keep you busy while we were on our separate tracks. but why still be with her when our tracks have now linked? loosing you for the first time was like a person with perfect vision suddenly becoming blind. everything in that one moment was false, because even though i knew you still loved me, you just couldn't admit it. we're all afraid of getting hurt, of becoming lost. we don't know what's ahead of us or what will happen to us if we take a risk. but if we decided to stand still and not take chances then we ourselves are gambling with our happiness. we can't always be wondering 'what if' . to find out what lies ahead of us we must gain the strength to go see for ourselves. i wish i had said those exact words to you that day instead of just standing there, speechless. maybe then things would be different, then again, maybe they'd be exactly the same.

the day you hoped would never come

i know that you meant it

I'm hollow, I'm broke, I'm spilt into two

I'm done, I'm free, I'm better without you.

You hurt me, You lied to me, You tore me apart

You're pathetic, You're useless, now give back my heart.

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men into war, hoping for their safe return. But knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we

 lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?"

(One Tree Hill)

the fight for you is all i've ever known

Remember that dark, cool night last year, in december?

We fought and swore and bickered all night, but that's not all I remember.

The look in your eyes when you told me " I'm sorry, this time I'll be true"

What you really meant was "Just forgive me so I can get back to hurting you"

I forgave you anyways not knowing what the consequences would be

then spring arrived and your heart was as hallow as a carved out tree.

Why did I let myself stumble, so carelessly and reckless

and why is that when summer came you gave me that gold neckless? 

You asked me to wear it everyday, thinking that I still cared,

but when i said i wouldn't wear it I knew you were not prepared.

Then fall rolled in and you saw me sitting all alone

you came in and gave me a hug, knowing I'd fall for the scent of your cologne.

Things seemed to have gotten better, you really had made a change,

but then it was winter again, and we were back to the same range

So in the spring don't expect to see me, I won't be by your side

because as this new season approaches I'll be getting off this painful ride.

in the deepest, darkest room

"When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them guide you to the light? Or will they loose their way in the darkness? Will they make noble choices? Or will that person be someone untested, someone new? Life comes rushing

at you from out of the darkness when it does- is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who will watch

over you when you stumble and fall? And in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears alone?"

(one tree hill)

this room is cold now and it hurts like hell

It's really funny how someone can say that...

it was an accident,

it will never happen again,

they care for you,

they want you there,

they're sorry,

and not mean one word of it.

it's her you'll always love, and it's her i'll always envy

I don't see why I thought you were worth all these secrets and lies

I still can't see why I'm wasting my time shedding tears from these eyes. 

I just want to be done with you, so don't say another word

Just never speak to me again, as if nothing occurred.

I've never wanted someone so far out of me life, as I have with you

So turn right around and break our bond that is stuck together with glue

The glue must have been the cheap kind because it wore off so fast

I wish I could erase my memories of you instead of having them in my past

So look at me as if I'm a stranger, because that's all I want to be 

A stranger with a damaged lock, searching for a key.

I can't do it alone

" Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling,who's frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie... and if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day someone, or something will find you, and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it wont always be this way. That someone is out there and that someone will find you."

(one tree hill)

the ice kept getting thinner

Could this really be the end of our beloved affinity?

Or has your mind simply forgotten what we promised?

Let me remind you of the oath that we took;

bonding us together.  

No, we didn't sign any papers, or even speak of it aloud.

It was plainly understood. 

Like a fact that was just existing without needing explanation.

So why the need to break our bond now?

You leave me trapped in this circular room of desperation.

I keep searching around but I end up in the same place, losing all hope entirely.

Answer my uncertainties. 

Have I been traded for a new edition? 

Or have you decided you're done with me?

Whatever your unforeseeable mind has decided the outcome looks faulty for me.

So try and look back to when we stood together and pledged our oath.

We took our leap of fait, not knowing that one of us would crash and burn.

without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.

he handed her a note that told her he'd be hers.

she put it in her pocket and forgot about those words.

he waited as months passed by, and time felt like it stood still.

she couldn't even look at him knowing that he felt ill

he asked her why she'd done this, why she had been acting so strange?

she told him "darling forgive me, but the seasons have changed."

he demanded her to explain why she was being so vague.

she replied " don't come any closer this re-working's like the plague."

he knew that he couldn't fix things, but he felt the need to try.

she didn't listen to a word he said, just forced a pathetic goodbye.

he walked away in silence, still angry by this transformation.

she didn't know what to do since her feelings were on vacation.

he turned around and took one last look at her, not knowing how this could be.

she whispered silently to herself "you'll be much happier without me."

shut your eyes

I'll make sure to invite you to the next time I decide to play a dare devil game with knives.

You'll toss them at my heart and see how quickly you can hit the target.

Once you've finally hit the focus you can sit back and watch me struggle,

gasping for every last breath, begging you for one last helping hand

But you won't move. you won't even think twice about it,

because it's all part of this game you love to play

A game that needs no instruction in your mind, because it's become second nature.

If you could teach me how to play, I'd love to take a turn 

I'm tired of being the target, maybe you could be the aim.

Yes We Can

the bolder thing to do

I try my best to see that this is wrong.

I keep telling myself that I can't go on with this constant lie

this knowledge that what I'm doing, should be stopped.

But I can't bring myself to end this ongoing struggle to grasp you

to look you in the eye and fully know that this is what it's always going to be. 

I need to find something that'll help me escape this nightmare and step back into reality.

Tracing back to before you, I can tell that things weren't that different. 

It's not a new you, it's the old me bending over backwards to try and find a untried self.

But I won't admit it.

I wouldn't be able to stand knowing that it's all honestly, my fault.

This pain, this discomfort, this grief is inflicted by myself.

Although we both chose to find each other, I'm the one who keeps fighting for it.

You sit silently in the corner watching me make every effort to keep us alive.

I can't stop this constant exert for you because I'm scared to know what else is out there.

You're all I've ever known

And maybe that's why I'm stuck in this ill-treated love, it's all I've ever been taught.

a wish

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.

I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.

I'm thinking about how you care, half as much for me

while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, and sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter, what I say or what I seem

You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans

Ignoring me the morning after, isn't enough.

And I swear I'm gonna cry, I'm sick of acting tough.

soften your sails

I keep stumbling at your feet 

while you brush me away.

I can no longer handle this constant pain,

this feeling of isolation, 

from the wall around your heart.

Let's break it down together.

Once and for all.

We'll watch it crumble and realize;

this is what we were meant to do.

you have her pictures everywhere

I can see it in your eyes 

I can hear it when you talk

I can feel it in your touch

I can see it in your walk

I can tell by the way you pause

I can tell by the way you sigh

I can tell that all you do is think about her

I can tell by your lie

I can tell that you still love her

I can see that you still care

I can hear your thoughts about her

I can always catch you stare

I can tell you don't feel it

I can feel myself being used

I can tell she doesn't love you back

I can see that you're abused.

I can tell that you need her

I can tell you just want love

but can't you see that's all I wanted

and all I got was your emotionless shove. 

the lovers are losing

Dear heart,

I just wanted to apologize for the pain I've put you through. I know that you're not deserving of such injury. You see, when I put you out there I did not expect you to be stomped all over. Please know that these were not my intentions. I was expecting a soft welcome, and and gentle warmth to overwhelm you. I wasn't informed that a heap of sensory would be dumped over myself leaving me motionless. I tried to get away from this curse, to try and stop you from being so badly beat down but I was sucked in. Please know that It wasn't planned for me to even set you out. I had told myself months before that I was going to keep you safe but something took over me. Something I can't even bring myself to illustrate. It's over now, I promise you this.  I am ashamed to even look at the reflect I have to face everyday. What was I thinking? I don't even know if I knew myself at the time. But don't worry, it won't happen again. Let me assure you that I will not, put you out there to be hurt, again. 

My deepest apologies,

Niki

P.S- this must be what I get for giving things another chance when I knew nothing good could come from it.

it'll never be how you imagined it would be.